In my own world

to put it here? to put literally in a book?

to put it all out? to keep it private?

keep it for myself? share it to the world?

old fashion journal? e-journal?

 

I was naive and innocent, not knowing the schemes and plots either good or evil of the world, of my surroundings. Self-expression comes with a price too high to be paid.

I still like my own little world where anything is possible. Dreaming is not a crime nor a waste of time. It is where hopes are build, aspirations breathes into life, making goals in life. Yes… the confidence that I have is slowly diminishing until the what is let of my little confidence is also getting trampled on.

 

I said it before and i’ll write it down here.

 

My majoring in uni has enlighten me so much about the world and its politics. Of how awful the real world is. How awful human can be both you and I alike. How my naive world has been contaminated with what’s going on around the world.

 

Who can we listen to now. Teaching us and equipping us with critical thinking. But this is the thing that has messed with my brain/mind for sure. Everyone has their own agenda going on, trying to influence others into their mindset. The state of utopia is it even possible looking at the current state in any society. If we look into the bible, in my opinion, this will just continue to remain a fantasy. Wanna know why? Go read your bible… haha… hint: revelation

 

Back to the real world of how people like to see, removing the element of religion since it’s so sensitive that I don’t get it why people make such a big fuss if we are just practicing our own beliefs. Truth will still be truth if a person believe that is truth. So stop messing with your own head and people’s head. They have freewill to choose what ever that they want and will face the consequences of their action. Consequences is not a bad word. It’s not a negative word. There can be good consequences. See what have the society done to us. Even words will impose a certain image and impression onto someone.

 

In my own world, I’m my own boss and God is the advisor. Judge me all you want. Say whatever you want about me. My advisor is all to whom that I listen to.

 

The real world is not safe anymore for my innocent, naive little world.

It’s been long

How long have I been avoiding my inner serenity (this place)… facing reality is hard. Hard in the sense of dealing with it and finding solutions to overcome it.

Sometimes I wonder,
how nice if I could skip class.
If I could just stop studying.
Working in some airline.
Going out there chasing my dream.

But then the other side of me will start thinking of other possibility excuses.

Skipping class is only a temporary escape with additional of a blackout in the topic taught in that day.
I’m already halfway through with my degree. Stopping now I have wasted too much time.
Work is something that I will and mist do later. So why the rush.
Chasing my dream pfft.

Struggle is something that I must charge towards it with full force. Staying too long lingering in front of this brick wall will not make or do me any better. The other side of the wall will forever remain unknown.

I thought I have found a solution to get me through this period right now. However it works only for less than a week. I still need to hang on for another month when all my assignments are passed up, waiting for finals to come. Less than 10 days that’s all I have now before all hell breaks loose (my mental state).

What are my goals again?
Need to rethink and restructure my goals both short term and long term.

Till then~

Insomnia when it isn’t suppose to

what a time to have insomnia…

might be the weather is humidly hot that even with sleeveless and short pants still cannot solve this problem

or

it might just be something bothering me again but this time i have no idea what exactly is it

Life and death

Another day of deep thoughts lingering in my mind. 1 news, it just takes 1 news to get me to this stage. Good news? Bad news? I can’t decide. It is beyond my comprehension.

Life and especially death can keep me wondering, thinking, questioning, confusion, and creating explanation of my own of what I believe.

What is your take? What is mine?

Today is the day that got me reasoning with myself. What is my purpose in this earth before I leave?

I’m not that strong

I don’t know what doors I have left unlock for me, which path with lights for me to walk, the little spark of light in darkness. I don’t know who can I turn to. I don’t know how to be closer to You again or there wasn’t a time where I was near You, all these while I’m just kidding myself.

Results, CGPA, I’m too hard in myself or I’m not pushing myself enough. Comforting words are better of gone with the wind. Reality is that comforting words are just to keep to cheat one self. I admit that this sem I’m not putting all in. I gave up half way and thinking that I could pick up the fallen pieces as much as I can but it’s all too late. I’m just living in denial.

Suddenly the feel of financial constrain is felt tremendously. 1st increment of rent by almost 30%, then rejected by house owner to install streamyx. At first thought that living outside would be different in a good way but its the other way around! Lived for 1 whole sem without Internet in the house is restricting in finding resources for assignment.

Never mind, if people can still live and graduate without such means then why can’t I!

No car, it’s ok. There’s bus and I still have my 2 feet.

No Internet, it’s ok. Faculty’s Internet line is not that bad. Wifi within campus is still at a reasonable speed.

How can I get back to You. I’m lost and helpless… I’m not strong on my own

Peek a boo

Who found this side of the blog of mine?

Guess no one will answer. I’ve silent readers? Scary… But I am one too! So we (me and whoever that is reading this without me knowing) are not much that a different.

Just dropping by due to boredom. At least something to updatefill in the dusty space here

Social environment forces me

It’s all my fault because of choice I made.

But

What will be after this is because of the social environment that made me.